Thursday, April 23, 2009

That noise you hear on Saturday will be my head exploding.....

Inside the Redskins front office:

(Danny Snyder enters the Redskins war room)

Redskins staff (rises as one):  All hail Emperor Sixtus Flaggus, King of Johnny Rockets, Prince of Hollywood, Duke of Red.......

Snyder:  Hold, peasants. Where is my henchperson? 

Redskins VP Vinnie Cerrato:  Here, Sire.  May I hold your horse?  What about a game of racquetball? 

Snyder:  (Smacks Cerrato with a used Deon Sanders do-rag).

  Shut up, will you.  I've got problems.  Six Flags stock is so low it's selling for Confederate money.  Valkyrie was a flop.  I have to have something to take my mind off my problems!  And sell more jerseys!  And overpriced "Tailgate Club" tickets!  And Touchdown Club tickets!  And "Draft Day Hats"!  

Cerrato:  Well, Your Majesty, we could use this year's first round pick to address either the problems of an aging, injury-prone offensive line or get a stud pass-rusher to take the load off Haynesworth and Carter.  We've traded away the second and fourth round choices for guys who aren't with the club anymore, so we'll have to use the late rounds to try and find some sleeper picks who may have been overlooked.

Snyder:  What about Mark Sanchez?  

Cerrato:  Um....My Fuhrer, he's a quarterback.  He probably won't be available when we draft at 13.

Snyder, eyes gleaming:  A franchise quarterback?  We haven't had one of those since I fueled up Redskins One with Johnnie Walker Blue and signed Jeff George.  Tell me more.

Cerrato, wearily:  Well, your magnificence, he won't fall to us at 13.  Seattle has the fourth pick and they are looking down the road for a replacement for Hasselbeck.  Our best bet is probably a new right tackle to replace the rotting corpse of Jon Jansen.

Snyder:  I don't care about right tackles.  What the hell is a right tackle, anyway? How many right tackle jerseys can I sell, fool? I need a quarterback, a franchise quarterback.  Those bastards in Chicago beat me to Jay Cutler!  I offered two firsts, and Jason Campbell and they turned it down!  Damn, I can't believe that anyone could out-bid me!

What will Sanchez cost me?  

Cerrato:  This year's first, next year's first and probably something more.  

Snyder:  That it?  That's all?  

Cerrato:  And, we'll have to do something about Jason Campbell.

Snyder:  Who?

Cerrato:  This year's starting quarterback, your stupendousness.

Snyder:  Oh.  Him.  But he's not a franchise quarterback, idiot.   Get me Sanchez!

Cerrato:  Sire?  Are you sure?

Snyder:  Sanchez!  Sanchez!!  Sanchez!!! Sanchez!!!!  Get me Sanchez, dammit!!!!! I need to sell more jerseys!  More "Touchdown Club"  memberships!

Staff Scout Rosencrantz (aside to scout Guildenstern): What's a touchdown?  Did we have any of those last year?  

Guildenstern:  Is that where the ball goes into the stands and we run around all the bases?

Snyder:  By the way, Vinnie, I heard there was another big signing in town, and he didn't sign with us.  What the hell is going on around here?

Cerrato:  Sire?

Guildenstern (stage whisper):  I think he means Ryan Zimmerman, Vinnie.

Cerrato:  Do you mean Ryan Zimmerman, your eminence?  He doesn't play football.

Snyder:  Are your sure?

Cerrato:  He went to UVA.

Snyder:  Well sign him anyway.  And Adam Dunn.  And Alexander Ovechkin.  All of them!!!!

Cerrato, genuflecting:  Yes, your grace.

Snyder, exiting:  Sanchez!  Jerseys!!  Draft Day Hats!!!   Ryan Zimmerman!!!!  This will be the greatest day of my life! Ohboyohboyohboy!!

Touchdown Club!  Redskins chili!

I'm a marketing genius!


(With apologies to W. Shakespeare.)

1 comment:

  1. DE Brian Orakpo, Texas

    I'm going to go buy his jersey tomorrow. ;)