Saturday, August 6, 2011

Please please please make this happen

Quote from Southern Pigskin ( on power brokers in college football:

Oliver Luck, West Virginia’s newly king of the Mountain, is considered a power player in any league. For that matter, being the father of this coming season’s Heisman Trophy winner Andrew Luck and likely first round draft pick, he’s likely going to be a power player in young Luck’s contract negotiation as well.

Luck has and continues to work WVU into position to receive an invite in one of the power conferences in the south when the next round of expansion hits. Both the SEC and ACC have listened to Luck’s pitch and the WVU athletic teams are doing their part winning on an grand scale. Perhaps more importantly, on an academic scale, Luck’s direction has WVU increasing their academic ratings and well as working on the WVU image.

Luck has actively pitched his Mountaineers to the ACC and SEC over the past months. Combine that with him leading the Big East athletic directors discussion on Big East expansion, and for good measure throw in the various calls he receives from NFL player personnel directors, no doubt the plugged in Luck works a full day.

When Oliver Luck puts in a call to anyone, that particular ‘anyone’ answers. Luck is one of the most professionally connected and respected administrators in the country.

Monday, June 7, 2010

The World's Most Disorganized Sport

Welcome to the Anarchist Convention!

I've been away for a while, I know. But with the Redskins seemingly in the hands of responsible adults (Allen and Shanahan, that is. Snyder, not so much), the flow of non-stop, write themselves jokes has dried up.

Fortunately, there's college football.

With the PAC-10 looking to become the PAC-16, I thought I'd help out by dividing up the uber-conferences into 4 16-team conferences with 4 divisions. Conveniently, there are 65 schools plus Notre Dame in the "Automatic Qualifier" conferences. That means, to get to 64 somebody has to go. Sorry, Baylor.

So with my god-like powers, I have divided the college football world as follows:


The PAC-16:

The Rain and Fog Division:
Oregon State
Washington State

Surf's Up, Dude Division
Southern California

High Plains Drifter Division
Oklahoma State
Texas Tech

Border Patrol Division
Texas A&M
Arizona State

The Atlantic Coast 16

Tobacco Road Division
North Carolina
NC State
Wake Forest

Rust Belt Division
Boston College

Potomac Watershed Division
Virginia Tech

Crockett & Tubbs Division
Florida State
Georgia Tech

The Big 10 + 1 + 5

Brent Musburger Drinking Game Division
Ohio State
Penn State

Rectangle States Division
Kansas State
Iowa State

Mike Wilbon Midwestern Sensibilities Division

Nothing in Common Division
Michigan State

The Southeastern 16

Future Melanoma Division
South Florida
South Carolina

Poverty Belt Division
West Virginia

Father of Waters Division
Mississippi State

Bryant-Jordan Division

And of course, all by their lonesome is:

Notre Dame

Friday, October 30, 2009

The trials of Daniel

Meanwhile, back at Redskins Park

The Scene: The CEO's conference room at Redskins Park. Present are Redskins Owner Daniel Snyder, Executive Vice President for Football Operations Vinnie Cerrato, Head Coach Jim Zorn and Chief Operating Officer and General Counsel David Donovan. They have just finished lunch, provided by Johnny Rockets.

Snyder: That was a great vacation. Really, southern France is just wonderful this time of year. No kids either, just me and Tanya. And the hot tub. No fans wanting to put up signs criticising me. Best of all, I didn't have to put up with a lot of crap from those communists at the Washington Post. No Wise, no Wilbon, no Boswell, no Sally Jenkins. Maybe we can have another bye week next month.

There is a knock at the door.

Donovan: Come in, please.

The door opens, a young woman enters holding a steno pad.

Young woman: Mr. Snyder, you have a phone call. Should I put it through?

Snyder (irritably): Amy, I've told you a million times. Don't waste my time, tell me who's on the phone when you come in here. By the way, are you wearing high heels?

Young woman: My name's Maria. I have no idea who Amy is. This is my first day on the job here. And yes, I am wearing high heels. It's Mr. Richard Fain on the phone, sir.

Snyder: Who?

Maria: He says he is the Chairman of Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines, sir, and he needs to talk to you. He says it's urgent.

Snyder: That's all I need right now. What the hell could this be about? Oh, Maria, or Amy or whatever your name is: you're fired. No high heels.

Donovan: Very good sir. Masterful display of executive leadership.

Snyder: Thanks. I feel taller already.

Donovan: Let me put this Fain on speakerphone. (Punches button on incredibly expensive executive speakerphone).

Fain: Daniel! What the hell is going on in Washington? You're causing me a lot of trouble, young man.

Snyder: It's Mister Snyder to you. What trouble can you be having that's my concern?

Fain: Johnny Rockets!! That's what trouble! I've got your stupid faux '50s diners on all my large ships now. I don't know if you know it, but there's a lot of Redskins fans out there and they love to cruise on my ships.

Snyder: That's nice, but what does that have to do with me?

Fain: They're picketing the Johnny Rockets on my ships, that's what! They're saying that Johnny's uses rat meat in the burgers!

Snyder: Well we don't use rat meat. That's absurd.

Fain (louder): I've got a passenger mutiny on my hands, you dimwit! If you don't do something and soon, I'll tell the dockyards to start ripping them out and start throwing all that crap overboard. I'm not gonna jeopardize my billion dollar ships for you, you little fucktard!

Donovan: We have a contract. We'll sue you.

Fain (even louder): Just try it, you sleazoid. It won't be like suing a 72 year old grandmother over club seats. All my ships are registered in the Bahamas, Norway, and Bermuda. Good luck winning a case there - they're all Dallas fans!

Sound of phone being slammed down.

Maria enters again.

Snyder: I told you, you've been fired.

Maria: It's the Commissioner!

Snyder (wearily): Put him on speakerphone.

Commissioner Goodell: Danny! What's with the no sign policy? All the other 31 clubs allow signs. You did until your team started falling on its face against the worst teams in the league. Are you afraid of the fans?

Donovan: We're doing to protect our fans from injury.

Goodell: Oh for God's sake! Just look at yourselves! There's pictures in the paper of a pretty 20 year old who just wants her husband in Afghanistan to know how much she loves him. Are you clowns against love, marriage and our fighting men and women?!? David, I'm a better lawyer than you are after my third martini. I strongly suggest you revisit your thoughts here and bring them into conformance with league policy. (Hangs up).

Snyder: This started out as such a great day. Now it's ruined because everybody hates me, and is jealous of my success. Jerkfaces! Job had nothing on me!

Donovan: I have an idea, sir.

Snyder: Well, let's have it.

Donovan: We could sell poster permits! After all, GEICO pays us millions for letting us give their signs to the fans. Charge them fifty bucks a poster, cash! We'll make even more millions!

Snyder: Great idea, David! Get right on it. But only officially approved Redskins posters, none of this free speach crap. Stupid Constitution doesn't apply at FedEx. Now, Vinnie, let's address the issues on the field.

Cerrato: I see us having a good second half and winning the division. After all, I assembled a playoff quality roster.

Zorn: You're implying that I've messed everything up, then, are you Vinnie?

Cerrato: I'm not implying anything. Two years ago we were in the playoffs. Last year we just missed, but I assembled a lot of new talent, Haynesworth, Orakapo, so forth. So it can't be on me. You're just not the right coach for this team.

Zorn: This is bullshit. We have an offensive line that can't stop a stiff breeze. There's reasons nobody wanted Heyer or Fat Man Williams! It's because they can't play! Rhinehart's a flop. Montogmery tries hard but he's undersized. And your three prize recievers can't catch a cold in Alaska!

Cerrato: The facts speak for themselves, Jim. I've tried to help you the best I could, but you're just not getting it done.

Zorn: How have you helped me? I got an offensive line manned by five guys with banjoes and funny hats! You hire some old fart from a retirement home to call plays, when he doesn't know who half the offensive players are! If this is how you're helping me, I sure wouldn't want to see what you would do if you were trying to hurt me.

Off in the distance, there is a flash of lightning. The sounds of thunder roll through Ashburn.

Snyder (groaning). Jesus! Not again! be continued.....

Monday, September 21, 2009

It was a dark and stormy night

Scene: The palatial Potomac mansion of Redskins
owner Daniel Snyder.

The wee small hours of Sunday night. Redskins owner Daniel Snyder sits alone in his private office after his Redskins have just crushed the St. Louis Rams, 9-7. He has just finished watching the Giants win the inaugural game at the new $1.2 billion Dallas Cowboys stadium. As he looks out the french doors, he see the black Potomac River slinking down to the Chesapeake Bay. His view is unimpeded by any of those pesky trees that used to be there.

He is still visibly upset by the fans booing the Redskins after a win. He is even more upset that Jerry Jones has a newer, bigger, and far nicer stadium than his. And that the ungrateful fans are selling carloads of tickets on the secondary market.

He hears the faint sound of distant thunder.

Snyder: Funny, I don't recall any rain in the weather forecast.

Suddenly, there is a brilliant flash of lightning and an ear-shattering crash of thunder. The lights flicker briefly before the 100 gigawatt generator kicks in. Three men are in the room. One is a long, lean Texan drinking a cup of coffee.

The second is a large Italian looking man with a glass of red wine.

The third man looks familiar to Snyder. He is dapper, rather elderly man. He is sitting in Snyder's favorite chair. He is holding a martini glass in his right hand, and has an unbelievably beautiful young woman sitting in his lap. The young woman has a full glass of champagne in one hand.

Snyder: Who are you? What are you? What are you doing here?

Jack Kent Cooke: Why Daniel, how quickly you forgot our last meeting. I'm disappointed. Allow me to introduce my friends. The gentleman drinking coffee is Sammy Baugh, of course. (Baugh nods). The gentleman to my left is Vince Lombardi. (Lombardi also nods).

Snyder. That's nice, but does this have to do with me?

Cooke: Daniel, Daniel, Daniel. I'm so disappointed in you. We're the Immortals. We're the men who made the Washington Redskins great.

Lombardi: We're not all here yet, Jack. George Preston Marshall is having his wife re-write Hail to the Redskins. I think they're trying to find a word to rhyme with "mediocrity". And Edward Bennett Williams is looking for ways to keep the Supreme Court from ruling on the Redskins copyright.

But the reason we're here is because we are not happy with the state of the Redskins. Life in Valhalla is not much fun when we have to take abuse from the other Immortals. It's no fun getting a free cruise on the S.S. Raft of Grief from George Halas and Tom Landry. When Immortals get angry at you mortals, well, you can imagine the consequences. If you want a seat at the table with us, then you have to be willing to pay the price.

A fourth man enters the room. He has a dish of ice cream in one hand, and is licking the thumb of his free hand.

Lombardi: George, you're late! Dammit, George, if you were working for me, if you're not ten minutes early you'd be five minutes late!

Allen: Sorry, Vince. Man, this is great ice cream. Thanks, Danny.

Cooke: So there you have it. The greatest player, the greatest dead coach, and greatest might-have-been in the history of the Redskins.

Baugh: Greatest owner, too, Jack.

Cooke smiles, modestly.

Allen: See, Danny, the fans can overlook the miserable parking, that idiot Mark Kessler on the P.A., the horrible rap music with the volume on 12 and the so-called "jumbotron". It's the losing, Danny. It doesn't hurt enough.

Snyder: That's where you're wrong, George. It hurts me a lot to lose.

Allen: Does it feel like part of you dies inside? Not your lungs or kidneys, but something like your spleen or appendix? If it doesn't feel like that, then it doesn't hurt enough. Does it feel like someone just cut out your spleen with a spoon and a Swiss Army knife?

Snyder: Well, no, come to think of it.

Lombardi: You're not making the real effort to win. You keep Vinnie on the payroll and he's either not capable or not being allowed to make football decisions the way a GM should. Build the team from within like the Steelers or the Patriots. George and I were our own GMs, but Jack had the sense to hire guys like Bobby Beathard. This isn't fantasy football, it's the NFL. With a career record of 79-88, it's pretty obvious your methods aren't working.

Snyder: Vinnie's my guy. He can see me anytime. We work great together.

Lombardi: Quid violentius aure tyranni.

Snyder: What?!?

Lombardi: "It is dangerous to have the ear of tyrants". It's from Juvenal. (pause). Jesuit education.

There is another lightning flash and crash of thunder. The lights go out again. When they come on again, Snyder is waking up.

Snyder: Whoa, man. Gotta lay off that Redskins chile. That was a heckuva nightmare.

He see the empty glasses and ice cream dish and is startled.

Snyder: I wonder how those got there. Kids must have left them.

To be continued..........

Friday, September 18, 2009

Coming soon, more news from Redskins Park!

Be on the lookout. Coming soon to this blog.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Kodachrome to be discontinued

Yesterday Eastman Kodak announced that production of Kodachrome slide film will be discontinued after 74 plus years.

I can't say that I'll miss it.  I shot a couple of rolls of Kodachrome 200 in 2001.  The results were nice, but no better than I got from Fuji Sensia 100 or Kodak Elite Chrome.  In addition, finding processing for Kodachrome was always a pain and environmentally horrible.  More modern and environmentally friendly films rendered it obsolete years ago.

B&H is now charging $12 a roll for Kodachrome.  $5 for Sensia or EC.  The $7 delta covers the cost or processing and scanning at Penn Camera.  You do the math.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Selig Actions Stun Sports World!

Commissioner takes unprecedented actions against the Washington Nationals

New York (AP)

Major League Commissioner Bud Selig today took actions unprecedented in major North American professional sports by "invalidating" victories by the Washington Nationals over the New York Yankees on June 17th and 18th.

In a prepared statement, the Commissioner's Office noted that the Yankees were without the services of long-time star shortstop Derek Jeter, and additionally, had to endure a five hour, 37 minute rain delay.  "The fact that the Yankees had to play without Mr. Jeter, the most clutch player in the history of clutch, casts doubt on the validity of the Washington victories.  We all know that my actions, and those of Jeffrey Loria and Jim Bowden, have reduced the Nationals to a joke franchise.  Therefore, there is no way that the Nationals could have won the two games without some type of aid.  In this case, the absence of Mr. Jeter's intangibles were critical, and I have awarded the Yankees four intangible runs for each game. "

Invoking his Commissioner's powers to act in the "best interests of the game", Selig also stated that his decision was not subject to appeal.

Washington Nationals President Stan Kasten and Acting General Manager Mike Rizzo were stunned by the announcement.  In a brief news conference, Kasten stated "I have never heard of intangible runs in my life.  I mean, I respect Derek Jeter and all, but we did score more runs than the Yankees in those two games, and had to sit through the same rain delays.  Besides, we've been missing Jesus Flores for a month, and we need him as much as the Yankees need Jeter."  

Washington Nationals pitcher Craig Stammen was reported to be near tears after receiving official confirmation that his first major league victory would come off the books. "I can't believe it", he said "I won that game fair and square.  They couldn't touch me, I mean Texiera, A-Rod, Damon, none of them.  How can they do this to me?  I had a case for the game ball and everything.  It was going to be on my mantel for the rest of my life.  Now I have to do it all over again, get that first win."  When asked what he planned on doing with the ball, he smiled briefly and said "Stick it Selig's ear, I guess".

In a related development, New York's Congressional delegation has introduced bi-partisan legislation to retire the number 2 from the English language.  According to Rep. Peter King (R-NY), "Children will now count one, jeter, three, four, and so forth.  However, in order to not place undue Governmental burdens on the public, the words "to" and "too" will be allowed to remain in everyday use."