Inside the Redskins War Room:
(Tuesday Morning Conference. Present are Redskins Supreme Maximum Leader Daniel M. Snyder, VP Vinnie Cerrato, Head Coach Jim Zorn and Tailback Clinton Portis)
Snyder: Vinnie, what the hell is going on around here? That damn Leonsis and the Capitals are driving me crazy! Everybody in town is wearing Ovechkin jerseys. I don't like this. You were at the Verizon Center last night, what's the deal here?
Cerrato: Well, your supremacy......
(Suddenly, there is a stupendous bolt of lightning and crash of thunder outside Redskins Park. As the door to the war room swings open, the lights go out and the temperature drops 30 degrees. When the lights come back on an elderly, well dressed man is sitting at the table. An incredibly beautiful young woman is sitting on his lap)
Snyder: Who the hell are you? How did you get in here and what do you want?
Elderly Man: I'm Jack Kent Cooke. I want my team back.
Snyder: Jesus H. Christ!
Cooke: No, just call me Mr. Cooke, Daniel.
Snyder: You can't be here. You're dead!
Cooke: That's not important, Daniel. Alive or dead, makes no difference. I did a better job of running this club after my third martini. You've made a total hash of things.
Snyder, somewhat peevishly: That's not true. I have the biggest stadium. We still have the best fans, the best Tailgate Club and the best Touchdown Club. We have 200,000 names on the waiting list.......
Cooke, impatiently: Don't try to kid a kidder, Daniel. When I was alive, the Redskins were the best franchise in the league. It was champagne and caviar, not milkshakes and, and, and (pauses) chili dogs! Johnny Rockets! Good God, man, even Marion Berry provided better concessions.
Besides, my teams won three Super Bowls. You've had one home playoff game this decade! The bloody Capitals have had more home playoff games this week! And you wonder why I came back.
(Nibbles on ear of the stunning young woman) Would you care for some champagne, my dear? (She nods) Good. Vincent, my boy, some champagne for me and my friend. The Mumm's Extra Dry will do nicely. I'm sure there's a bottle left over from the last Super Bowl. (Archly) It's well aged by now, of course.
(Cerrato leaves to find the champagne.)
Snyder: Look, Mr. Cooke, or whoever you are, we're still the big deal in this town. No bunch of hockey players are going to push the Redskins around.
Cooke: Don't be to sure of that, Daniel. Every kid in town wants to be Alex Ovechkin. You can't even decide on a quarterback!
Snyder: For God's sake! Ovechkin's a Russian!
Cooke: Yes. Semin's a Russian. Varlamov (now there's an exciting player), he's Russian. Federov's a Russian, Backstrom's a Russian.
Gorgeous Young Woman: Backstrom's a Swede, sweetums.
Cooke: Sure, sure. Whatever. But my point is, they win, and they're exciting. Your Redskins are just a bunch of dull plodders who finish 8-8 every year.
Snyder: They're just a bunch of Russians and Canadians. They have socialized medicine for Pete's sake. It won't last. We'll always be on top!
Cooke: As usual, you're missing the point, Daniel my boy. The Capitals are home grown, exciting and they win!
Clinton Portis: Hey, wait minute there, ODG!
Cooke, puzzled: ODG?
Portis: Old Dead Guy! I'm colorful!
Cooke: So was John Riggins. But he won Super Bowls and is in the Hall of Fame. What have you won?
Snyder: Hey now! No reason to be insulting. Me and CP are BFFs.
Cooke: Speak English, man, will you. It's CP and I are .....what?
Snyder: BFFs, ODG. Best Friends Forever. You know, BFF.
Cooke: Listen, Daniel. You're not the only self-made billionaire in the room. I started by selling encyclopedias door to door in Canadian winters in the middle of the Depression. But I made billions in cable TV and real estate. Not marketing or whatever it was you did. I've operated teams in every major sport! I didn't just win with the Redskins, either. I built the Kings from nothing, won the NBA with Jerry West, Elgin Baylor and Wilt Chamberlain. And of course, the Redskins! And I didn't know dick about any of those sports!
I found guys that did like Fred Schaus and Bobby Beathard, let them work and held them accountable. On the other hand, you, young man, are a dilettante.
Snyder: My team is worth a billion, old man. Plus I own Johnny Rockets and Six Flags, I'm BFF with Tom Cruise......
Stunning young woman: Jack, I'm bored. This is going nowhere.
Cooke: You're right, my dear (glances at watch). Look at the time. We'll be leaving now. Time to head for the ballpark. The Nationals have a businessman's special today. And after all, I'm a businessman.
(Lightning bolt and thunder crash. Lights go out again. When they come on, Cooke and young woman are gone)
Snyder (to Cerrato): This wouldn't happened if you had gotten me Sanchez! (Pauses) Maybe I can give that damn Leonsis swine flu for the weekend.
(To be continued.......)