Friday, June 19, 2009

Selig Actions Stun Sports World!

Commissioner takes unprecedented actions against the Washington Nationals

New York (AP)

Major League Commissioner Bud Selig today took actions unprecedented in major North American professional sports by "invalidating" victories by the Washington Nationals over the New York Yankees on June 17th and 18th.

In a prepared statement, the Commissioner's Office noted that the Yankees were without the services of long-time star shortstop Derek Jeter, and additionally, had to endure a five hour, 37 minute rain delay.  "The fact that the Yankees had to play without Mr. Jeter, the most clutch player in the history of clutch, casts doubt on the validity of the Washington victories.  We all know that my actions, and those of Jeffrey Loria and Jim Bowden, have reduced the Nationals to a joke franchise.  Therefore, there is no way that the Nationals could have won the two games without some type of aid.  In this case, the absence of Mr. Jeter's intangibles were critical, and I have awarded the Yankees four intangible runs for each game. "

Invoking his Commissioner's powers to act in the "best interests of the game", Selig also stated that his decision was not subject to appeal.

Washington Nationals President Stan Kasten and Acting General Manager Mike Rizzo were stunned by the announcement.  In a brief news conference, Kasten stated "I have never heard of intangible runs in my life.  I mean, I respect Derek Jeter and all, but we did score more runs than the Yankees in those two games, and had to sit through the same rain delays.  Besides, we've been missing Jesus Flores for a month, and we need him as much as the Yankees need Jeter."  

Washington Nationals pitcher Craig Stammen was reported to be near tears after receiving official confirmation that his first major league victory would come off the books. "I can't believe it", he said "I won that game fair and square.  They couldn't touch me, I mean Texiera, A-Rod, Damon, none of them.  How can they do this to me?  I had a case for the game ball and everything.  It was going to be on my mantel for the rest of my life.  Now I have to do it all over again, get that first win."  When asked what he planned on doing with the ball, he smiled briefly and said "Stick it Selig's ear, I guess".

In a related development, New York's Congressional delegation has introduced bi-partisan legislation to retire the number 2 from the English language.  According to Rep. Peter King (R-NY), "Children will now count one, jeter, three, four, and so forth.  However, in order to not place undue Governmental burdens on the public, the words "to" and "too" will be allowed to remain in everyday use."

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