Friday, October 30, 2009

The trials of Daniel

Meanwhile, back at Redskins Park

The Scene: The CEO's conference room at Redskins Park. Present are Redskins Owner Daniel Snyder, Executive Vice President for Football Operations Vinnie Cerrato, Head Coach Jim Zorn and Chief Operating Officer and General Counsel David Donovan. They have just finished lunch, provided by Johnny Rockets.

Snyder: That was a great vacation. Really, southern France is just wonderful this time of year. No kids either, just me and Tanya. And the hot tub. No fans wanting to put up signs criticising me. Best of all, I didn't have to put up with a lot of crap from those communists at the Washington Post. No Wise, no Wilbon, no Boswell, no Sally Jenkins. Maybe we can have another bye week next month.

There is a knock at the door.

Donovan: Come in, please.

The door opens, a young woman enters holding a steno pad.

Young woman: Mr. Snyder, you have a phone call. Should I put it through?

Snyder (irritably): Amy, I've told you a million times. Don't waste my time, tell me who's on the phone when you come in here. By the way, are you wearing high heels?

Young woman: My name's Maria. I have no idea who Amy is. This is my first day on the job here. And yes, I am wearing high heels. It's Mr. Richard Fain on the phone, sir.

Snyder: Who?

Maria: He says he is the Chairman of Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines, sir, and he needs to talk to you. He says it's urgent.

Snyder: That's all I need right now. What the hell could this be about? Oh, Maria, or Amy or whatever your name is: you're fired. No high heels.

Donovan: Very good sir. Masterful display of executive leadership.

Snyder: Thanks. I feel taller already.

Donovan: Let me put this Fain on speakerphone. (Punches button on incredibly expensive executive speakerphone).

Fain: Daniel! What the hell is going on in Washington? You're causing me a lot of trouble, young man.

Snyder: It's Mister Snyder to you. What trouble can you be having that's my concern?

Fain: Johnny Rockets!! That's what trouble! I've got your stupid faux '50s diners on all my large ships now. I don't know if you know it, but there's a lot of Redskins fans out there and they love to cruise on my ships.

Snyder: That's nice, but what does that have to do with me?

Fain: They're picketing the Johnny Rockets on my ships, that's what! They're saying that Johnny's uses rat meat in the burgers!

Snyder: Well we don't use rat meat. That's absurd.

Fain (louder): I've got a passenger mutiny on my hands, you dimwit! If you don't do something and soon, I'll tell the dockyards to start ripping them out and start throwing all that crap overboard. I'm not gonna jeopardize my billion dollar ships for you, you little fucktard!

Donovan: We have a contract. We'll sue you.

Fain (even louder): Just try it, you sleazoid. It won't be like suing a 72 year old grandmother over club seats. All my ships are registered in the Bahamas, Norway, and Bermuda. Good luck winning a case there - they're all Dallas fans!

Sound of phone being slammed down.

Maria enters again.

Snyder: I told you, you've been fired.

Maria: It's the Commissioner!

Snyder (wearily): Put him on speakerphone.

Commissioner Goodell: Danny! What's with the no sign policy? All the other 31 clubs allow signs. You did until your team started falling on its face against the worst teams in the league. Are you afraid of the fans?

Donovan: We're doing to protect our fans from injury.

Goodell: Oh for God's sake! Just look at yourselves! There's pictures in the paper of a pretty 20 year old who just wants her husband in Afghanistan to know how much she loves him. Are you clowns against love, marriage and our fighting men and women?!? David, I'm a better lawyer than you are after my third martini. I strongly suggest you revisit your thoughts here and bring them into conformance with league policy. (Hangs up).

Snyder: This started out as such a great day. Now it's ruined because everybody hates me, and is jealous of my success. Jerkfaces! Job had nothing on me!

Donovan: I have an idea, sir.

Snyder: Well, let's have it.

Donovan: We could sell poster permits! After all, GEICO pays us millions for letting us give their signs to the fans. Charge them fifty bucks a poster, cash! We'll make even more millions!

Snyder: Great idea, David! Get right on it. But only officially approved Redskins posters, none of this free speach crap. Stupid Constitution doesn't apply at FedEx. Now, Vinnie, let's address the issues on the field.

Cerrato: I see us having a good second half and winning the division. After all, I assembled a playoff quality roster.

Zorn: You're implying that I've messed everything up, then, are you Vinnie?

Cerrato: I'm not implying anything. Two years ago we were in the playoffs. Last year we just missed, but I assembled a lot of new talent, Haynesworth, Orakapo, so forth. So it can't be on me. You're just not the right coach for this team.

Zorn: This is bullshit. We have an offensive line that can't stop a stiff breeze. There's reasons nobody wanted Heyer or Fat Man Williams! It's because they can't play! Rhinehart's a flop. Montogmery tries hard but he's undersized. And your three prize recievers can't catch a cold in Alaska!

Cerrato: The facts speak for themselves, Jim. I've tried to help you the best I could, but you're just not getting it done.

Zorn: How have you helped me? I got an offensive line manned by five guys with banjoes and funny hats! You hire some old fart from a retirement home to call plays, when he doesn't know who half the offensive players are! If this is how you're helping me, I sure wouldn't want to see what you would do if you were trying to hurt me.

Off in the distance, there is a flash of lightning. The sounds of thunder roll through Ashburn.

Snyder (groaning). Jesus! Not again! be continued.....

1 comment:

  1. I snorted Dr. Pepper up my nose just now from giggling at:

    "Snyder: Thanks. I feel taller already."